my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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