Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
