On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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