im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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