just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Randomize
