Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
