Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I supernannyed him into submission
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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