You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
