I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
