Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
