More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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