I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Houston, we have a blender
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
