cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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