hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
