Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
