Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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