Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Randomize
