So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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