morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
