What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
