I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
