im six kinds of drunk right now
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
