i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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