Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
