We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
