Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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