So drunk its hurt
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize