We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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