I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
