false alarm. still invincible.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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