spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
