i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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