after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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