I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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