I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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