i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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