After last night, I could never be a politician.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
