if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
