Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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