remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
