just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
