I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
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I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
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I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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