I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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