erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
