mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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