The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
