This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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