I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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