I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
