____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
