its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
he thought i was a dude.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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