FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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