mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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