i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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