Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
