How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
