I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
