I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
